As a marriage counselor, I am a firm believer in goal/skill-based therapy which intrinsically makes progress easier to see. #4 “We’re not meant for each other… Anymore.” When this happens, I know for sure that no matter how hard you try, couples therapy won’t work. When I asked my neighbor’s husband, quite casually, what he thought of couples therapy, he told me, “It’s like asking a woman in her bikini eating a creamy cupcake how much she weighs!” Well, that did leave me speechless! According to research done by the American … But they can't magically erase all the problems you're having. But that can only get so far. While it's not a bad idea to give it a shot, don't feel bad if therapy really isn't helping. While I don’t have a certificate to prove my experience and expertise, I have the knowledge and the wisdom to guide troubled couples and get them back on track. Love is patient…is not selfish…bears all things…endures all things. All rights reserved. Required fields are marked *. For example, if one person is more invested in working on the relationship than the other, it isn't going to work. They are not sure of what to expect of the therapist or even if the therapist has any expectations of them. If this is the case, why stay married in the first place?! The truth is, you can't force a relationship to work. If you have none of that, not even the highest paid couples therapist can help you. 2020 Bustle Digital Group. It's important to note that both partners need to be willing to make an effort. "Sometimes people simply grow apart or sometimes past betrayals and hurts make it too difficult for one partner to move past them," Chambrello says. This is because many men think that feelings, emotions and sentiments are not a “guy’s thing,” and therefore, couples therapy is a woman’s thing. Compromise can be difficult, even in the healthiest marriages. "Sometimes in learning more about each other and the relationship, you may also learn that the relationship isn't sustainable." It's very possible for a therapist to not be a good fit for you. The time in session is only a fraction of the work required. Many couples are skeptical about whether therapy will work. If you've been going through a major rough patch with your partner and you just haven't been seeing eye-to-eye, couples counseling may seem like the next step to take. "If you're not there to listen to your partner’s point of view, their thoughts, feelings, fears, and concerns, then you may not get into the mindset of finding ways to improve the relationship," Hernandez says. Regain specializes in online counseling for couples, and all of their board-certified psychologists, clinical social workers, marriage and family therapists, and professional counselors are licensed and have at least three years and 1,000 hours of hands-on experience.They are trained to address a variety of relationship issues, including communication, infidelity and improving sex and intimacy. You Think Showing Up To Sessions Is The Only Work You'll Have To Put In. #1 “Couples therapy is for losers.” This is exactly what you’ll hear from one partner to another when it comes to couples therapy. If they don't, it's OK to find someone else. But unfortunately, for some couples, even with an expert on their case, they just can’t handle each other anymore. What happens then? Therapy can be a great tool for couples, but it can't fix a relationship that's irreparably broken. To be really successful, it's important for you both to go into it with open minds and a willingness to make things work. But it's important to remember that your partner will have their turn as well. When One Spouse Wants A Separation. I asked her why she thought the therapist wasn’t qualified. Couples Therapy outlines Ripley and Worthington, Jr.’s approach, expands on the theory behind it (note: approach also has a foundation in Christian beliefs), and provides assessment tools, real-life case studies, and resources for use in counseling. “Therapy isn’t all or nothing,” says Fenkel. All rights reserved. "Don't be afraid to ask questions, or for referrals if you don't think you're a match." Marriage counseling, also called couples therapy, is a type of psychotherapy. Couples are taught new behaviors that are theory rather than values-based. Liked what you just read? If you're no longer happy and you've exhausted all the options, it's OK to say that the relationship isn't working. "It’s the responsibility of the therapist to push the boundaries and call out the observations for a potential shift to happen," she says. In an instant, her husband blurted out that couples therapy was a crazy idea – a last resort for losers. Call (562) 704-4736 and we can get you started on the path to your best day ever. [Read: 7 reasons why empathy is so important in a relationship], Why couples therapy isn’t going to work as expected. You know, the fastest way to burn a relationship is to focus on each other’s faults and expand them so much that you no longer see the person you fell in love with anymore. One of the main factors that can determine the effectiveness of marriage counseling is the motivation level of both partners. When I asked them why they were still coming to therapy… 4. According to Kitley, these can be barriers to the relationship, but they're not major dealbreakers. #2 Some couples therapists are not personally qualified. [Read: 7 signs you’re trapped in a troubled relationship]. "Change takes time and a lot of practice," she says. Just as science has revealed certain risk factors that lead to divorce, marriage experts have started to piece together … Although counseling may not "work" by helping a couple get back in-sync, it can help them move on in a positive way. Statistics Show High Rates of Patient Satisfaction. You Think Showing Up To Sessions Is The Only Work You'll Have To Put In, Your Therapist Isn't A Good Match For You And Your Partner, You Think Counseling Will Change Your Partner, You're Only There To Air Out Your Feelings. But sometimes, no matter how much I try, it doesn’t work. The other partner wants to stay. How to Respond to a Compliment & Accept It Without Feeling Awkward. [Read: 12 real reasons why couples drift apart over time]. Now you must understand that while I did manage to help revive dead relationships, others only failed, and the reason is that couples therapy isn’t for everyone. Follow us on Instagram Facebook Twitter Pinterest and we promise, we’ll be your lucky charm to a beautiful love life. Couples therapy is not a magic spell that will fix a broken marriage. Real change when working on a marriage takes time. Therapists are not “one size fits all.” Some have specialties where … The therapy only works if you do the work. Although marriage therapists and counselors' primary goal is to help you improve your relationship, that isn't always possible. Couples are often uncertain what to expect from the process of couples therapy. How to Be a Good Boyfriend: 33 Traits to Make You The Best Ever! Marriage counseling helps couples of all types recognize and resolve conflicts and improve their relationships. Although your relationship is the focus of … Throughout the therapeutic process, the therapist attempts … #5 “Couples therapy is for women, but I’m a man!” If all men were designed to share their feelings like women do, it’s obvious that it would be a dream come true! The National Domestic Violence Hotline does not recommend couples therapy with your abuser, and for good reason. Both you and your partner need to be willing to hear each other out so you can understand each other. ... we love as a couple, together. They go to an extent that they can make the other feel more resentful and hopeless. It's important to do what you think is best for you and your relationship. Before you choose to go to counseling, it's important to figure out if it's really right for your situation. John Gottman tries to … There's a good reason most marriage counseling doesn't work, because "couples therapy may be the hardest form of therapy and most therapists aren't good at it," according to an article by William Doherty in the professional journal Psychotherapy Networker. They opt for couples therapy, thinking that maybe someone else can help them solve their problems, but does it work? Just because you're getting therapy doesn't mean you can necessarily save your relationship, either. It’s not uncommon for two people to be married for years, only to find out that life isn’t what they expected it to be. Is your therapist the right fit? I’ve been nominated an expert couples’ counselor by the many couples who have sought friendly advice and therapy from me since the past 15-20 years. Undergoing couples therapy is a brave choice for couples who take that path. What to do when couples counseling isn't working Learn how to restructure your therapy to get the most out of it instead of wasting your time and money. In many cases divorce isn’t a unanimous decision. If a counselor is working with a couple exhibiting signs of IPV, he or she should take steps to terminate couples counseling as soon as possible while ensuring the victim’s safety, Carlson says. Conversely, sometimes the outcome of therapy is not always what you had planned, but difficult decisions get made. One partner wants to end the marriage. You might think, “What makes you write the article, and how well do you know the subject?” Well, I am a couples’ counselor… Sort of. Couples counselors will do this if they sense that one or both partners need to work on their individual issues first before returning to couples counseling. So here are some reasons why couples counseling may not work for your relationship, according to therapists. Your email address will not be published. I asked my friend to go visit an expert therapist, because I personally knew it was not something I could fix. But if you’re clearly not willing, you might think that couples therapy is definitely a recipe for failure, but a lot of times, therapy has helped couples separate happily. Even if you are having issues with your partner, sometimes couples counseling isn't the first step. Get the very best of LovePanky straight to your inbox! However, in a majority of cases, the couple can and should work it out. So when you go to couples counseling with your partner, you can stay focused on working out the issues in your relationship. [Read: 12 signs you’re walking on eggshells in your love life]. You want a solution, but you’re afraid to take it. Why couples therapy isn’t going to work as expected Now you must understand that while I did manage to help revive dead relationships, others only failed, and the reason is that couples therapy isn’t for everyone. If you think couples counseling will change your partner, think again. It has helped them accept that their marriage was a failure, and most of them are happy with their new lives. Because according to therapists, there are some instances where couples counseling just won't work. This book is a rare find – one that speaks to both couples and their counselors, therapists, or religious advisors alike. Or therapy isn't working. To give you an example, a friend once came over to my house with her husband and asked me to help her out. Why couples therapy doesn’t work for some couples. But in reality, you can only change yourself. Another reason we remain stuck with clients going nowhere in therapy is that most … Naturally, when we were alone, I invited her over for snacks, and when she came over, she started complaining about how rough their marriage has been. If someone is hiding anything or not being completely honest, it's not going to work either. However, how can you spot if therapy isn't working? Prepare to work on yourself as well as your relationship. "Couples therapy will help both partners better understand the relationship and the role they each play," Sheila Tucker, licensed associate marriage and family therapist and owner of Heart Mind & Soul Counseling, tells Bustle. The time in session is only a fraction of the work required. Both of them agreed that because the therapist was divorced, she wasn’t qualified! Ask Your Therapist About Next Steps If therapy isn't working, the first person you should talk to is your therapist. What many people tend to get wrong about counseling is that attending sessions isn't going to magically erase your problems. Relationships take work. You refuse to compromise. "If couples aren't invested in trying new techniques or recreating the experiences from therapy at home throughout the week, then therapy probably will not work." You can’t just hope to hire some therapist and expect them to snap their fingers, and voila! We were happily married, what went wrong? 22 Signs of Love to Know if Your Love is Real, How to Make a Guy Fall in Love with You: 25 Ways to Charm Him. But if one or both of you are already checked out, counseling may just be a waste of time. I was surprised, and naturally, curiosity got the better of me. This isn’t a good scenario for couples therapy. While I was familiar with the therapy, I didn’t know where to begin! I wasn’t sure how to begin, but lucky for me, my friend told me that the expert, who has years of experience and a certificate, wasn’t qualified. A good match will make you both feel comfortable, feel seen and heard, and will give you tips that are tailored to your situation. Neither you nor a therapist can force them. You don’t even have to invite trouble, because from personal experiences, trouble finds its way in! While one has come into the therapy to design an exit strategy, the other is frantically hoping that couples therapy will pull them back from the brink. This imbalance makes couples counseling an unsafe environment for the person experiencing the abuse, Carlson stresses. 1 Corinthians 13:4,5,7. Couples often arrive believing that the therapist’s job is to “fix” their partner. "When someone acts as if they can't wait to get out of the session, they've already decided that therapy won't work and the relationship is … Sign #1: Clear, Precise Goals. In the first session, each needs to understand that they are both good people; however, their patterns of communication have created a daily fencing duel. There’s a lot more you can do provided that, and this is important, you’re both willing to change. To the spouse who wants out, working on the relationship is roughly equivalent to rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. 14. A therapist isn't going to solve your problems for you. Reproduction without explicit permission is prohibited. It's especially helpful if there's a specific issue that makes you feel stuck, or you keep repeating the same problematic patterns in your relationship. Therapy needs to be specific to each person’s struggle. Every situation is different. "What I find a lot is that sometimes people will start in couples counseling then get referred to individual therapists," Heidi McBain, licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in women’s mental wellness, tells Bustle. Not every couple who goes to therapy is going to come out closer than ever before. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Ask yourself questions like how can I do things differently and what can I do to make this work? 13. That is a bitter fact. • The therapist is not qualified to treat couples due to inadequate training or credentials; or there isn't a good fit between the therapist and the couple. This is simply because not one, but both of them are not interested in living under the same roof. A therapist isn't going … It's better to work out any unresolved issues from childhood or past relationships first. That is when I realized that if only one of the two is willing to participate, even an expert can’t help them. Therapy will give you a safe space to air out your feelings. "When there is simply no love left, I work with the couple on ways to move forward amicably, if that's what their goal is.". You become strangers when you no longer have the same ideas, the same thoughts or the same passion. They can mediate and give you strategies to help you communicate better. Through marriage counseling, you can make thoughtful decisions about rebuilding and strengthening your relationship or going your separate ways.Marriage counseling is often provided by licensed therapists known as marriage and family therapists. 10 Reasons Why Therapy May Not Be Working Medically reviewed by Scientific Advisory Board — Written by Elvira G. Aletta, Ph.D. on March 16, 2011 A few months ago I … First, I couldn’t understand why, but about a few years ago, my neighbor was having a really tough time with her husband. They may even suggest to keep going to therapy just so that they can continue on the right path at improving the relationship. “I think that oftentimes people think that breaks are permanent when really, breaks from therapy can be super temporary. While it may not be the progress you hoped, you are making movement. You and your partner both have to put in the work. Changes the views of the relationship. So you should never go into it thinking that a therapist will be there to help you prove a point. Not just one. "Research your potential therapist, check their credentials, and find out their approach to therapy," Tucker says. Yes and no. You don't want to waste your time and money on someone who really isn't going to help. According to Tucker, counseling won't do your relationship any good if you aren't putting in the work in between sessions. But the most common reason, again from the stories I’ve heard from other couples, is that “We just don’t know each other anymore.”, It’s true, and you might have loved your spouse and tied the knot, hoping to live the rest of your lives together and then one day, reality snaps. "In my experience couples therapy hasn’t worked when there are different agendas from therapy for each individual," Kelley Kitley, LCSW, a therapist who specializes in couples therapy and the owner of Serendipitous Psychotherapy, LLC, tells Bustle. [Read: 14 most common reasons relationships fail]. After speaking to her for about an hour, I casually asked her to invite her husband, so we can talk about things and sort it out. #3 “It will only make matters worse!” This might come as a surprise, but a lot of couples, especially women, think that a couples therapy would make things much worse. No, not the ones you see in expensive therapy clinics. Your email address will not be published. Instead of going into therapy with the mindset of wanting your partner to change, Hernandez suggests reflecting on your behaviors in the relationship. It's also important to remember that a therapist is not there to take sides. "Most people enter couples counseling because they feel they need to get through to their partner about how and why they need to change," Michele Hernandez, licensed clinical social worker who specializes in helping women going through major transitions in their lives, tells Bustle. Most of the time, after a couples therapy, these couples focus on each other’s faults and argue all the time. This is all a ruse. At first, abusive partners will act like they are changing or have changed and that the therapy has worked. If therapies aren’t working for you, you still have hope, so you’re not alone. And to make their point her husband said, “It’s only natural, I mean, would you take fitness advice from an overweight person who just had a bypass surgery?” As you can imagine, I was speechless. It requires participation, an open mind, and effort to make things work. Attend some marriage seminars, maybe some couple classes, read a book or two about how to get your marriage back on the track or watch movies. If they do n't want to waste your time and money on who! Cases, the couple I ’ m working with isn ’ t for!, these couples focus on each other Together is n't going to help communicate! One person is more invested in working on the right path at improving the.. 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Only works if you think couples counseling will change your partner to change with. T handle each other questions, or for referrals if you are already out... Cases, the same roof therapy needs to be a waste of time that both partners but both them! You think is best for you trouble finds its way in time to solidify for Us | Contact.. Putting in the relationship, either its way in hire some therapist and expect them to snap fingers..., '' she says therapy only works if you are making movement path at improving the relationship, they. Still have hope, so you ’ re afraid to ask questions, or for referrals if you your! For example, a friend once came over to my house with husband! Be the progress you hoped, you are n't putting in the first?...